Should I Protect Myself in the Ways of Love?
"Realization," Janaka Stagnaro
I have fallen deeper in love with a friend and cannot bear the idea of witnessing her intimacy grow with another; and although this falling in love is not happening to her, it is something I wish to avoid. I am in a divorce process from a marriage that has been over spiritually, and in every way, for over 5 years; so I feel it is not right for me to ask her for any agreements: such as to wait for my divorce to be legally complete before developing our relationship.
She knows my feelings toward her have deepened and she is clear that she cannot be involved intimately. However, we share all our thoughts and desires for Divine Union (plus, we have a playful twin-like connection).
We also frequently dance contact improv, which, to me, has become in a sense "making love" ~ we go on walks, mediate, and go to events.
Now that I have awakened and revealed my feelings there is "distance" and both of us are unsure if we can continue to have a relationship at all. I am tremendously sad and confused, as she is my best friend. We are to get together soon to maybe talk or have one last silent dance. I am not sure what is best...or what she want...or what to believe is possible.
Thank you for contacting me.
I know your situation well. I have experienced it many times and have seen it happen to so many. It is called the Beloved loving Itself in another's reflection. You are Love and you have found another mirror to reflect the Love. It is when the ego-ic mind, that which identifies Self with a body, that the confusion occurs. The two of you have entered the Foundation of Love that Unites all of us, and it is a beautiful thing. There is nothing greater. You are catalysts for each other. But neither of you completes the other.
She is not that which brings you Love; she is only that which has been sent to you as a reminder for who you already are.
She may be leaving your physical awareness, if that is what she chooses, just like when a Divine Revelation descends--it comes, changes our Awareness of who we are, and then passes, leaving us for the better. Or she may decide to continue to be a Profound Friend where you two can hold mirrors for each other. She may choose more.
I went a Sufi Dance of Universal Love a long time a go with a women, and the Beloved looked through both of our eyes. We then grew as more than friends because of that Experience. Unfortunately, we never really had that again and there was a lot of suffering over many years. When I was learning Breema, a movement/message that helps to bring the participants to a place of Divine Presence, I, like many who practice it, fell in love. How can one not when one plunges into the Lap of the Beloved! That is our State of Being. This time I knew it for what it was and the two of us just enjoyed the catalysis when we were together, and didn't think about each when we were not together.
You cannot capture Love. Love is always Present. A friend of mine had a powerful Divine Revelation that destroyed his life to some extent. He could not let it go. He thought that he could be a great teacher, if only he could keep having those revelations. But they did not return and he became embittered. Do not hold onto her or to anyone as your salvation to your Happiness. Bless those Moments she is with you and when she is not. She is no more a body than you are. You are manifestations of the Love you see in each other.
By finding your Center, you will stand in a powerful place that will not cling to her; and in that Place you can be whatever she wants you to be. That is protecting your self. You have nothing to gain from her nor anything to lose.
Be your Self.
Be the Love that you Want.
And be Free